What if?

I’ve started travelling down a slippery slope recently.  Going over all the what if’s of my labor and delivery, trying to figure out where I went wrong and what I could have done differently to prevent losing those four precious hours of my daughters life while I was in recovery.

As we remember I had a C-section after 42 hours of labor, the epidural for the surgery didn’t work so I was put under.

1.  What if I just suffered through the surgery being able to feel things, would I have passed out or would I have been full of enough adrenaline to be able to see my daughter in those miraculous first seconds of her life?

2.  What if we had known about ‘spinning babies’?  would I have been able to deliver her naturally?

3.  What if I hadn’t given in after 36 hours and finally asked for an epidural?  Would my labor have continued at its snails pace of 1cm per every 10 hours?  If so would I have been able to have my planned birth?

4.  What if the procedures were different in the hospital and as soon as I woke from the surgery I would have been able to see my daughter?

What if ?  I ask myself this all day, almost every single day.  Honestly if I hear one more person say “Well she’s healthy, that should be enough.”  I am going to scream.  Yes I have been blessed with the most smart, beautiful, kind, sweet little girl to have ever walked the face of the earth, she is healthy and perfect. BUT – I was robbed of the first hours of her life, robbed of doing skin to skin with her, robbed of what – to me – we incredibly precious moments of our time together.  I can never get those minutes and hours back.


Bikini Body Mommy 2.0 time!

Ok. here we go… ts time to get my mommy body into shape.  Enter Bikini Body Mommy Challenge 2.0 .  I used to train 2 times a day 6 days a week because I wanted to one day compete in Fitness Canada competitions.  Well, after 3 fractured ribs and a pregnancy drowning in fear of losing my baby, needless to say I am VERY out of shape.  I wanted to continue with BodyRock.tv workouts but I just wasn’t feeling the new hosts and it seems pretty fake now that the original host is gone, and that I don’t even see Lisa that much 😦

So here I am at day 2 and it kicked my butt, I have NEVER been good at burpees, and I hate jumping, and this workout was full of both !   I did skipping jumps while Lady Bug was bouncing in her jolly jumper laughing at me.  It was a little hard to focus 🙂

I made a big mistake of baking a cake on day one ’cause I was bored… now I’m working out and having cake for dessert… Once that’s gone im going to purchase the meal plan as well and really take this seriously.


These measurements aren’t exact as all I had was a string and a tape measure, but I will have a proper tape for my 15 day progress check.  Starting weight is 122.5 lbs


Turkey and Gold

This weekend was Turkey Day here in Canada.  Lady Bug had a great time.   Her daddy came to visit and was here for 3 days of love and snuggles.  We had a great visit with my family and she kept trying to steal my dinner.  She is going to LOVE baby led weaning !  I can’t wait to give her, her first solids come this December when she is 6 months old.

We had such an eventful week, Lady Bug rolled over today from back to front 3 times all by herself, what a great milestone for her to reach.  She also got her ears pierced, we used white gold earrings with cubic stones. She did so much better than me, she was definitely more angry that her dad was holding her head still than she was with the actual piercing.  She also stopped crying within 30 seconds of having them done, which is faster than I stopped crying that’s for sure.  My beloved Lady Bug is growing up!  My little angel has also started teething this week and is loving to chew on anything she can figure out how to get into her mouth.

Beautiful Me Project

Hello, friends and readers.  I would like to let you know about an amazing woman I know;  Candice Tizzard.  She was my doula for the birth of Lady Bug and has been by my side through my PPD and PPA.  As a fellow woman who suffered from this she has been very understanding, loving and loyal.   Candice has created an amazing project for women post partum and she is donating the funds raised to the Pacific Post Partum Support Society.


The Beautiful Me Project  will be a book featuring elegant black and white of women from the lower mainland displaying their beautiful post partum bodies.

If you would like to be part of the book, would like to donate, or simply want more information please contact Candice on her blog:  Beautiful Me Project


Please CLICK HERE for pricing and to find out more about this great project.

Growth Spurts?!

I am totally in love with the routine we have finally gotten into with Lady Bug.  She has her little naps during the day, then her big 3 hour nap at 2pm and is in bed after her bath at 8pm.  Lately though she has decided that she needs to fight her naps as though she were fighting for her life.  The poor girl, she starts off with the most adorable “I’m tired” cry which quickly morphs into screaming and squirming and fighting with everything she has.  Enter; the swing!   Good luck little girl.

Now I don’t know if you had the same nurses I had, but we were told never to swaddle as it pretty much guarantees that we will give our daughter SIDS.  I started swaddling weeks ago, which I have already talked about, but still to this day hate that the nurses, people I trusted, made me so afraid of something that is such a great help with young babies!  I’ve talked about the 5 S’s and about how wonderfully they work and I still stand by those.  As Lady Bug is getting older the things she likes are changing, she doesn’t really like the white noise as much anymore, now she loves listening to Canon in D, thankfully she’s not too fussy about the violin or piano version; she also loves Wiggle by Jason Derulo. Now I am using every trick up my sleeve; she gets swaddled on her top half, bounced on the ball till she calms down, put in the swing, given her soother and then the music starts to play, generally she is out cold within 5 minutes.  No baby can resist the ‘big guns.’

This coming week I am sleep training her, trying to get her to go to sleep on her own.  I will be putting her to bed when she is tired and calm, but still awake, and hope she will go to sleep on her own.  I will not be doing the cry-it-out method as I think that is cruel and will just create more sleep problems in the future.

Wish me luck!

Oh. My. God. !

This last week has been amazing.  It was my birthday on Monday… I’m now 33!  I can’t believe it.   B took me to Seattle for my birthday and I finally got to satisfy my year long craving for Red Lobster.  Yes I’ve been craving those delicious scones for over a year!  We stayed at a cute hotel by the Marriot and even better, I had a coupon from Hotels.com so we only paid $50 for the hotel room.  It was great; king size bed, black out blinds that actually made the room black, and a big living room setting.  Lots of space for our little family.  Lady Bug sleeps best when the room is dark, so even better I slept in till 9:30 instead of her usual 7am.  Needless to say we bought blackout curtains and now have them installed in her room, ours don’t work as good as the hotels, but I still get an extra 30-45 minutes most days!

Today I think was definitely the worst day I have ever had of being a mother.  I was cutting Lady Bug’s nails with nail clippers, as I have done since she was 2 weeks old, and she moved at the last second and I ended up cutting her finger !!!  She looked at me with the most heart breaking look I have ever seen.  I scooped her up and danced with her in the living room crying the entire time.  She was pretty much ok after about 20 seconds, stopped crying and even gave me a smile.  The thing about finger tip cuts is they bleed, a lot, I had a hair appointment so since all seemed well I put her in her car seat and away we went.   Well half way there she decided she didn’t want to be in her seat anymore.  When she is upset she has a tendency to scratch her hands against her face, well since her finger had a little flap from her horrible mother it opened right back up and stung her, so now she is screaming bloody murder in the back of the car, I’m driving down the highway with some a-hole tailgating me, so I can’t pull over without risking being rear ended.  5 minutes later I arrive at the salon and run to the back of the truck to let her out.  Holly crap the entire side of her face is covered in blood! I have never been more traumatized in my entire life.  I was shaking so hard I almost couldn’t get her car seat buckles undone, I nearly vomited when I saw her.  I scooped her out of the seat with her hand and her face covered in blood and ring the bell to the house of the lady that’s going to cut my hair (whom I’ve never met before) she answers the door to me bawling, Lady Bug screaming and covered in blood.  At this point I am so hysterical that I can barely talk but I manage to ask for a wet cloth and to tell her that all the blood is only from a tiny cut on her finger.  We get her cleaned up, she stops crying and eventually I stop crying too.

I will not be cutting her nails with clippers again for a very long time, nail file it is from now on!

See ya later Purple Crying !

Its been an amazing week.  Lady Bug is finally coming out of her period of Purple Crying and I’m beginning to notice that I have a very strong willed and happy baby girl.  I can’t express how happy this makes me.  She loves it when I talk to her in Spanish, all smiles and coo’s.  When I play hip hop and dance for her she does her own little laugh (though not real laughter quite yet) and kicks her legs like she wants to dance with me.  This ‘new’ baby is amazing, she still screams when she wants something; my attention, for B and I to change the position we are holding her in, a better soother, but now she calms so quickly that I don’t think she cries for longer than 30 minutes in an entire day ! Heck, I’m sitting here drinking a hot coffee while she is laying ALONE in her crib and AWAKE.  I haven’t had hot coffee since she was born, and this is the first week where I have really been able to put her down without screaming.  Mothers of Purple Crying (Colic) babies, I know everyone already says this but : It does get better! There IS a light at the end of the long, LONG, LONG tunnel!

The funny thing about the end of Purple Crying is that after 3 or more long grueling months (13 weeks for us so far) when that switch goes off you are almost too scared to believe it.  I was told by a NICU nurse friend of mine that this is exactly what would happen.  It would be like one day you just have a different baby, it doesn’t always peter off, for some babies it just ends in a flash.   Well for us it has ended in a flash.  I have spent the last week on egg shells refusing to believe my good fortune, waiting for my screaming child to make her return.  Its been a week and I still have my happy, though demanding, little Lady Bug.

Today I packed up her newborn clothes, she hasn’t fit them for a few weeks now but I was just refusing to believe that she was growing up.  I cried.  Whenever I read before that moms cry when packing up their babies clothes I though they were crazy.  Well I guess I’m crazy, looking at and holding those teeny tiny clothes, then putting them in a little box broke my heart.  I love that my little girl is growing up, but I am still shocked that it is all happening so fast!


Well I’m going to run away from the internet while she is having a glorious, on schedule, 3 hour nap.  Yay, ME TIME !