Turkey and Gold

This weekend was Turkey Day here in Canada.  Lady Bug had a great time.   Her daddy came to visit and was here for 3 days of love and snuggles.  We had a great visit with my family and she kept trying to steal my dinner.  She is going to LOVE baby led weaning !  I can’t wait to give her, her first solids come this December when she is 6 months old.

We had such an eventful week, Lady Bug rolled over today from back to front 3 times all by herself, what a great milestone for her to reach.  She also got her ears pierced, we used white gold earrings with cubic stones. She did so much better than me, she was definitely more angry that her dad was holding her head still than she was with the actual piercing.  She also stopped crying within 30 seconds of having them done, which is faster than I stopped crying that’s for sure.  My beloved Lady Bug is growing up!  My little angel has also started teething this week and is loving to chew on anything she can figure out how to get into her mouth.


Growth Spurts?!

I am totally in love with the routine we have finally gotten into with Lady Bug.  She has her little naps during the day, then her big 3 hour nap at 2pm and is in bed after her bath at 8pm.  Lately though she has decided that she needs to fight her naps as though she were fighting for her life.  The poor girl, she starts off with the most adorable “I’m tired” cry which quickly morphs into screaming and squirming and fighting with everything she has.  Enter; the swing!   Good luck little girl.

Now I don’t know if you had the same nurses I had, but we were told never to swaddle as it pretty much guarantees that we will give our daughter SIDS.  I started swaddling weeks ago, which I have already talked about, but still to this day hate that the nurses, people I trusted, made me so afraid of something that is such a great help with young babies!  I’ve talked about the 5 S’s and about how wonderfully they work and I still stand by those.  As Lady Bug is getting older the things she likes are changing, she doesn’t really like the white noise as much anymore, now she loves listening to Canon in D, thankfully she’s not too fussy about the violin or piano version; she also loves Wiggle by Jason Derulo. Now I am using every trick up my sleeve; she gets swaddled on her top half, bounced on the ball till she calms down, put in the swing, given her soother and then the music starts to play, generally she is out cold within 5 minutes.  No baby can resist the ‘big guns.’

This coming week I am sleep training her, trying to get her to go to sleep on her own.  I will be putting her to bed when she is tired and calm, but still awake, and hope she will go to sleep on her own.  I will not be doing the cry-it-out method as I think that is cruel and will just create more sleep problems in the future.

Wish me luck!

Crazy Time

Its been a crazy couple of weeks.  Lady Bug had her second baby shower (yup second, it’s what happens in divorced families) and she was the Belle of the Ball.   Charming and cute and oh so… oh no wait, that’s not my daughter.  She cried practically the entire time, nobody but me was allowed to hold her (according to her) and if they tried she screamed like someone just cut off a finger.  I felt horrible with friends and family that I have known forever trying to hold her and all she did was scream.  People took time out of their lives to come celebrate her, the least she could do was let them snuggle her.  Unfortunately she’s a baby and she doesn’t see reason like us grown ups do.  Geesh. Thankfully everyone there had their own kids.  They knew what it was like, not only did they have their own kids but there were also nurses there, and even one that specialized in babies.  I still was embarrassed that I didn’t look like supermom with it all together and the perfect angelic baby, but at least everyone understood.

I am still trying to come to grips with my lack of mommy skills,  my baby has Purple Crying or Colic as it was once known and it wears you down until you think that there is no way you can go another day.  Top this off with me being alone with her for 16+ hours a day and having next to no support you can be sure to welcome Post Partum Anxiety or Post Partum Depression.  I am now suffering from both, lucky me.  The anxiety presented itself first, or at least its what I noticed first.  It is NOT normal for you to be afraid to do everything with your baby.  I hadn’t even gone into a Starbucks until Lady Bug was 10 weeks old and when I finally did I was so anxious I nearly threw up.  I would sit in the truck and let B go in for us.  If we went in someone would spill their coffee on her, or step on her in her car seat, or they would trip and she would fall out of her stroller (yes she was strapped in, but anxiety knows no boundaries).  Letting my mother in-law push her in her stroller also caused extreme anxiety for me.  What if she leaned on the stroller and tipped it over? The one and only time I let her push the stroller I walked in front of them crying, shaking and again extremely nauseous.  This is just the tip of the iceberg, I also wake up every hour or so just to make sure she is still breathing.  I cant afford the Levana Oma so I don’t get the same security that this device would offer me by having an alarm go off if she stopped breathing.  On top of all this I can’t seem to keep anything clean enough.  B says the house is so clean we could eat off the floors, but I don’t see it.  I am constantly freaking out because nothing s clean or organized.  He has finally noticed me suffering and has agreed that we will go to counselling together.  Thank God.

Not everything has been bad though.  We have started a sleep schedule and for the last three weeks it has been going great at night time.  I wrap her in her Woombie after having an aromatherapy bath and she sleeps for 2-3 hours at a time, wakes up only to eat then goes right back to sleep.  This constant in our lives has helped me relax at night and I too am even getting a couple hours of sleep here and there.  I also went and stayed with my dad and his wife for nearly 2 weeks and they were a great help.  Lady Bug loves going to them and it gives me a break to pass her off to someone that I know will be able to calm the screams.  This gives me some very much needed me time and I even had the luxury of a bath or shower, not to mention the joy of being able to brush my teeth and my hair! She is also turning into the happy smiling baby that I have been dreaming of for the past 12 weeks.  Every single morning when it is time to wake up (so she says) I am greeted with great big smiles, and its at that moment that I know she loves me and is happy to see me, even if I am doing everything wrong.

I wouldn’t be able to continue without the help and support of my family.  I am excited to start counselling and I can’t wait to be able to enjoy my baby without the constant crippling fear that something bad is going to happen and she will be taken away from me.

If you think you may be suffering from Post Partum Depression or Anxiety click HERE for a list of symptoms.  Having friends and family around to help you is great for prevention but is not always possible.  Search for a Mommy Group near you and don’t be afraid to drop in.  They won’t judge you, trust me.

Lady Bugs headband was purchased HERE and was made by a talented Stay At Home Mom.

Vaccine day… dun dun dun

Now I know this is a hot topic, but I chose to vaccinate my daughter.  I want her protected, and I want to know she is safe from diseases/illnesses that could easily kill her just ’cause I refused to get her vaccinated.

I knew these were going to hurt my little Lady Bug (as I shall call her in internet land) and I was prepared to cry a little bit myself.  Heck when they did the heel prick at 2 days old I sobbed, and I mean sobbed.  She was done crying at that time way before I was, sitting there nursing away as my crocodile tears kept falling on her face.  One thing I learned was that nursing was a great way to soothe your baby when something crappy is going to happen, ie. vaccines, the only issue here is that Lady Bug is a power nurser.  She goes from starving to totally full in 5 minutes, she always has.  Its funny because as she’s getting bigger she’s not taking longer to feed, just sucking harder.  Anyway I was truly hoping that the doctor would be able to give her all 3 (yes 3!) shots before she finished.  NOPE.  The rotavirus vaccine contains sugar water which is supposed to act as a pain reliever and the baby needs to suck away for 2 minutes for it to start kicking in, AHHHH she’s already been on for 1 minute.  “Doc you’ve got about 30 seconds before she is finished eating, then we are in trouble.”  Sure enough the doctor gives her her first shot.  Her perfect little face goes bright red and she lets out a blood curdling, heart stopping scream like I have never heard her scream before.  I was so upset immediately I nearly threw up.  Im crying, I have my boob hanging out trying to get her to latch back on soothe can soothe herself, she’s screaming and the poor pediatrician doesn’t know which one of us to try to console first (he chose the baby, and told me to do whatever I needed to calm her down.)  Oh yeah!  Crazy Momma Bear Mode kicked in, I stood up and started bouncing, stopped crying and sang “Hush Little Baby” to my poor inconsolable girl  not even caring if I looked stupid with my top half off, breast squirting milk everywhere and baby screaming.  ( I guess we’ll clean that up later)

That stupid sugar water id nothing for my girl – or Delicate Flower – as the doctor called her.  I guess she’s just a little extra emotionally sensitive compared to other babies.  I finally got her to calm down , but I guess I was still white as a sheet since the doc kept asking if I was going to be ok.  I said I was, took my girl to the truck and made sure to take a few breaths before I started driving.

The needles themselves were just the beginning.

Two hours later Lady Bug started screaming, the same screams I heard at the office.  I ran to her and took her out of her swing and immediately checked her legs for swelling and checked to make sure there was no fever. Thank God there was neither.  The poor thing was again inconsolable.  Her appointment was at 11:00 am and she hadn’t slept since 10:30, it was now 2:30 she needs to sleep! So I gave her a single dose of baby Tylenol to try to comfort her, calm her and get rid of any pain she was feeling.  Forty minutes later she falls asleep.  I thought I had finally achieved victory.  She woke up after 30 minutes.  Now I don’t know what you know about 8 week old babies but the definitely need more than 1 hours sleep in a day.  I spend the rest of the day trying to console her, co-sleep, bounce, rock, babywear and feed; anything to help her out.   At 6:30 I say screw you to her 730 bedtime routine and give her a bath.  The sound of the tub is one of her favorite things so I hold her while it fills, light a couple lavender oil candles and the give her a lavender and vanilla bubble bath.  Next I swaddle her in her Woombi then continue with the 5 S’s that I’ve been trying all day.  Still nothing is working.  Since her 2 favorite things are the tub running and bouncing on the exercise ball I bring the ball into the bathroom, turn off the lights and leave the candles going.  after 10 minutes she falls asleep so I try to move her.  She immediately woke up so I sat right back down and bounced her some more.  Now with legs that feel like noodles after bouncing for 90% of the day I move to sit on the toilet. I manage half an hour before my tail bone feels like its going to fall off but Lady Bug is still sleeping so I’m not leaving the bathroom.  We ended up staying in there- water running and switching from ball to toilet to save my spine- for an hour and a half till my fiancé came home at 8pm.  I pass her to him so I can get the feeling back in my arms.  She immediately starts screaming again – from a dead sleep- so we give her one more dose of baby Tylenol and Momma Bear holds her ’till she falls asleep again.  Finally she seems like she is down for the count.  I get her into her bassinet and wolf down dinner with the man like its my first and last meal ever.  She is pretty good, and sleeping like an angel for 2 more hours, then wakes up screaming for a feed, so I feed her and she passes right out again.  This was the whole night last night.  Every two yours woken by a screaming baby.

I am not looking forward to her 4 month shots, though this time I booked them for a Sunday so B can come too.



A (Not-So) Brief History

For years I have been told, I can’t have kids.  I shouldn’t have kids.  If I have kids they will be born with developmental disabilities or if I get pregnant I will just miscarry – so don’t bother trying.

I have suffered from eating disorders since I was 9 years old.  On top of that when I finally hit puberty I was one of the ‘lucky‘ few that got her period with a friend: endometriosis.  I suffered from age 16-26 with extreme cramping and monthly hospitalizations with the exception of the time that I was on depo-provera (the shot).  Yay again, the depo caused bone density loss so I had to stop taking it.  So I welcomed back excruciating pain but now due to the depo and many years of starvation and purging I only got my period once or twice a year. Good luck getting pregnant after doing so much damage to your body.

At age 30 along comes a new gyno.  He puts me in for a laparoscopy and burns off as much of the endo as he can.  He then puts me on Lupron hormone therapy with the hope of re-booting my cycle and getting rid of the endo.  Lupron is a whopping $450 per month and I was on it for 6 months.  OUCH !  Thankfully the majorityof it was covered by my extended medical plan.  Lupron is used for many things one of the great side affects is that after treatment you are supposed to be ‘super fertile for about 3 months.  The bad side affect is that in order to reboot my system it put me through menopause.  Yay for hot flashes and moodiness but also a highly increased sex drive (which definitely made for a happy boyfriend, even though he didn’t understand why I was sweating buckets in the middle of winter)  After Lupron I went back on a single dose of depo, I loved my boyfriend but we definitely weren’t together for long enough to be having babies.

During these three months we discovered that I had graves disease, yes I actually can have more things wrong with me.  I have to go for x rays, and swallow radioactive drinks so they can see if it really is graves or if it is some kind of cancer.  This is when the specialists tell me that children are not an option for me and I will probably have to drink radioactive iodine in which case I can’t even try to get pregnant for a year or I risk serious birth defects.  The wind was taken right out of my sails.  Just because I wasn’t ready to have kids, doesn’t mean that I didn’t want them ever, and being in my 30’s time was definitely running short.  I decided against the radioactive therapy and chose pills as an option instead.  My boyfriend and I became much more serious, we moved to Vancouver and I started seeing a new specialist, who was much more on board with my desire to one day have kids.

Two months after moving to Vancouver I was pregnant!  This is where our story truly begins.