Its been a crazy couple of weeks. Lady Bug had her second baby shower (yup second, it’s what happens in divorced families) and she was the Belle of the Ball. Charming and cute and oh so… oh no wait, that’s not my daughter. She cried practically the entire time, nobody but me was allowed to hold her (according to her) and if they tried she screamed like someone just cut off a finger. I felt horrible with friends and family that I have known forever trying to hold her and all she did was scream. People took time out of their lives to come celebrate her, the least she could do was let them snuggle her. Unfortunately she’s a baby and she doesn’t see reason like us grown ups do. Geesh. Thankfully everyone there had their own kids. They knew what it was like, not only did they have their own kids but there were also nurses there, and even one that specialized in babies. I still was embarrassed that I didn’t look like supermom with it all together and the perfect angelic baby, but at least everyone understood.
I am still trying to come to grips with my lack of mommy skills, my baby has Purple Crying or Colic as it was once known and it wears you down until you think that there is no way you can go another day. Top this off with me being alone with her for 16+ hours a day and having next to no support you can be sure to welcome Post Partum Anxiety or Post Partum Depression. I am now suffering from both, lucky me. The anxiety presented itself first, or at least its what I noticed first. It is NOT normal for you to be afraid to do everything with your baby. I hadn’t even gone into a Starbucks until Lady Bug was 10 weeks old and when I finally did I was so anxious I nearly threw up. I would sit in the truck and let B go in for us. If we went in someone would spill their coffee on her, or step on her in her car seat, or they would trip and she would fall out of her stroller (yes she was strapped in, but anxiety knows no boundaries). Letting my mother in-law push her in her stroller also caused extreme anxiety for me. What if she leaned on the stroller and tipped it over? The one and only time I let her push the stroller I walked in front of them crying, shaking and again extremely nauseous. This is just the tip of the iceberg, I also wake up every hour or so just to make sure she is still breathing. I cant afford the Levana Oma so I don’t get the same security that this device would offer me by having an alarm go off if she stopped breathing. On top of all this I can’t seem to keep anything clean enough. B says the house is so clean we could eat off the floors, but I don’t see it. I am constantly freaking out because nothing s clean or organized. He has finally noticed me suffering and has agreed that we will go to counselling together. Thank God.
Not everything has been bad though. We have started a sleep schedule and for the last three weeks it has been going great at night time. I wrap her in her Woombie after having an aromatherapy bath and she sleeps for 2-3 hours at a time, wakes up only to eat then goes right back to sleep. This constant in our lives has helped me relax at night and I too am even getting a couple hours of sleep here and there. I also went and stayed with my dad and his wife for nearly 2 weeks and they were a great help. Lady Bug loves going to them and it gives me a break to pass her off to someone that I know will be able to calm the screams. This gives me some very much needed me time and I even had the luxury of a bath or shower, not to mention the joy of being able to brush my teeth and my hair! She is also turning into the happy smiling baby that I have been dreaming of for the past 12 weeks. Every single morning when it is time to wake up (so she says) I am greeted with great big smiles, and its at that moment that I know she loves me and is happy to see me, even if I am doing everything wrong.
I wouldn’t be able to continue without the help and support of my family. I am excited to start counselling and I can’t wait to be able to enjoy my baby without the constant crippling fear that something bad is going to happen and she will be taken away from me.
If you think you may be suffering from Post Partum Depression or Anxiety click HERE for a list of symptoms. Having friends and family around to help you is great for prevention but is not always possible. Search for a Mommy Group near you and don’t be afraid to drop in. They won’t judge you, trust me.
Lady Bugs headband was purchased HERE and was made by a talented Stay At Home Mom.