What if?

I’ve started travelling down a slippery slope recently.  Going over all the what if’s of my labor and delivery, trying to figure out where I went wrong and what I could have done differently to prevent losing those four precious hours of my daughters life while I was in recovery.

As we remember I had a C-section after 42 hours of labor, the epidural for the surgery didn’t work so I was put under.

1.  What if I just suffered through the surgery being able to feel things, would I have passed out or would I have been full of enough adrenaline to be able to see my daughter in those miraculous first seconds of her life?

2.  What if we had known about ‘spinning babies’?  would I have been able to deliver her naturally?

3.  What if I hadn’t given in after 36 hours and finally asked for an epidural?  Would my labor have continued at its snails pace of 1cm per every 10 hours?  If so would I have been able to have my planned birth?

4.  What if the procedures were different in the hospital and as soon as I woke from the surgery I would have been able to see my daughter?

What if ?  I ask myself this all day, almost every single day.  Honestly if I hear one more person say “Well she’s healthy, that should be enough.”  I am going to scream.  Yes I have been blessed with the most smart, beautiful, kind, sweet little girl to have ever walked the face of the earth, she is healthy and perfect. BUT – I was robbed of the first hours of her life, robbed of doing skin to skin with her, robbed of what – to me – we incredibly precious moments of our time together.  I can never get those minutes and hours back.

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